I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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