I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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