i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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