Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
worst night to have a conscience
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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