Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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