4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize