Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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