New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
