Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
