I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
