So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
