Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
