Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
