They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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