im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
