You can't special order awesome
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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