According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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