I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
