You can't motorboat a personality
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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