I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
