it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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