Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
