I look better un-naked...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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