Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
