Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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