At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
