boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Blow job season was short but glorious.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
