If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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