I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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