Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
