I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
