alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I got inside last night via doggy door
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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