Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
