YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
