the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
