What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
