She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
