so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
