just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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