just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
