It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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