I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
