Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
