I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Your penis caused this!
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