He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
