He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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