I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
