like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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