At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
