Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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