News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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