apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
