i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
