This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
