I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
