I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
