You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
